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| Excellent!!!!!! |
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| What a crappy job u weasl |
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Edenian__Prince
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Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2002 8:19 pm
Post subject: My first fan-fic part 1 |
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The Supreme Edenian
Long ago in the realm of Edenia a war raged between King Jarrod and Emporer Shao Kahn."Give it up u pathetic Edenian!"
shouted Kahn,"you are a mere mortal,you r no challenge for me!" continued Kahn.Shao Kahn had beaten down Jarrod badly
,he could feel the horrendous pain coming over him and was near death.Kitana,Jarrods only daughter stepped in and caught the last glimpse of her father as Kahn ripped his upper half of without any strength at all."Daddy!"screamed Kitana"Mwuahahaha! So much
for your pathetic King Sindel! You will be my new bride Sindel,we shall rule all of Edenia together!" Kahn bellowed."Never!"screamed Sindel and she let her self fall out of the window,falling to her ultimate demise."Mommy!'' screamed Kitana again,for in one brutal day she had lost both her parents.''Come with me child!'' Kahn said."No!'' screamed Kitana as she grabbed a fan out of her boot,and though she was new to the weapon she managed to slice open Kahns chest."Fool!'' Kahn said grabbing his chest.Kitana ran as fast as she could down the hall only to be stopped by her most cherrished friend Rain."Rain we must go!"Kitana said."No Kitana i am staying,I must do my best to protect Edenia!" said Rain.This sounded strange coming from a 8 year old child."Please Rain!"Kitana began to cry."no and that is final Kitana!"shouted Rain.Kitana saw Kahn coming down the hall for her so she left."Ill never get enogh strength to catch up to her!" said Kahn looking into Rain's room."Child"said Kahn wheezing"come with me".''Never!" said Rain as he did a super round house.Kahn caught his leg and twisted it till it brokeKahn and the child were carried on charriot back to Outworld."What is your name you Edenian scum?"Kahn said."..." "Tell me peasent!" Kahn said."..." Rain refused to ansewer the Emporer."If you do not tell me you will face unspeakable punishment!'' "I will not ansewer to the like of you Emporer" Rain said."I see" kahn said "You are stern and brave,you would make a fine warrior" said Kahn as they stopped infront of the gigantic castle."This is the castle of Satan"thought Rain."This will be your new home boy"Kahn said."I will never like you Kahn,you are a brutal malicious person in my eyes!"."Think what you want child but I will make you a warrior in my army,perhaps a general would be fit with your attitude."Kahn said with a very slight chuckle,almost as if he was pleased with the way Rain was treating him."Leave me alone you overgrown childish pig!".Kahn was very displeased,infact he punched Rain so hard he knocked him off the charriot."That will have to teach you" Kahn shouted,not knowing Rains true powers."Get up!"Kahn said,and Rain got up and was so furious he let out a enourmus lightning bolt which Kahn wasnt expecting."Ahh!" screamed Kahn in pain."Some Emporer" said Rain as Kahn shot somewhat of a fireball from his hands,and when it hit Rain was knocked out cold."Ugh....where am I?" Rain asked waking up in one of Kahns training grounds."Oh great Im in his castle!" said Rain checking the place out."Time to train boy"Kahn said as he sent in a small shokan orphan."I am aware of your skills boy,FIGHT!" bellowed Kahn.Rain was just in time to see the boy coming at him."Are you mad Emporer?" said Rain while blocking the Shokans punches,but Kahn stood the silently watching the match.The Shokan went for a round house but missed,and Rain counterd with an uppercut/the Shokan then spit a fireball out but Rain duckd and hit the Shokan with a stream of lightning nearly knoking the Shokan unconcious."Time to die!"said Rain solemly as he did a super round house and knocked the Shokans head off."Fatality!" said Kahn.
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Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2002 10:39 pm
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Let's say blackcyborg wrote that, and let's say I'm you.
"That sucks!! That was the worst story ever!!! Terrible!!!"
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Edenian__Prince
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 2:09 am
Post subject: hehe |
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dude that was harsh but ok,cuz i wanna see u write better if ur gonna dis me u HAVE to be better
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 2:28 am
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You didn't even read what I wrote, god. I said that if I WERE YOU, and YOU WERE BLACK CYBORG, then THAT IS WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE SAID.
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 2:38 am
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yes he could do better and so could i!
and 4 ur slow mine hes saying!
that u always diss me always
and u never do better than what i did![/url]
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Edenian__Prince
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 2:46 am
Post subject: hehe |
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um if u noticed im not the one tryin to make a URL outta my statement donkeylips 
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 2:54 am
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i acidently pressed the wrong botton!
and donkeylips??
whoa whoa whoa!
why the hell r u saying donkeylips!
that the best u can think of?
there are plenty of those stupid names:
hosebrain
melonhead
bonehead
edinian_prince
etc.
hahaha!
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 3:04 am
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Everyone just stop
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 5:04 am
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Stop
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DeathStrikesBack
Cham2
Joined: 22 Jul 2002
Posts: 136
TMK Koins: 0
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 7:50 am
Post subject: heres a couple of tips dude |
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1) Learn how to create a paragraph and indent.
It is seriously really really freaking hard to read one giant block.
2) Proofread what you wrote
You spelled Ducked wrong
3) Get REALLY REALLY descriptive with your action
You want to make your readers feel each and every hit. If I say Sub Zero hit Scorpion in the face. Its kind of dull, however if i wrote Sub Zero swung his fist towards scorpion, as it whisked through the air he let his hand brush against scorpion's face and slammed his elbow into scorpion's nose. Causing the cartilage to crack.
4) Stop Flaming other posters
I have no enemies here for the reason i listed above, I dont flame people, no matter how retarded they may act.
otherwise it wasnt half bad 
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Coerver
TMK Temple Monk
Joined: 03 Sep 2002
Posts: 104
Location: Australia
TMK Koins: 109
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 8:32 am
Post subject: Good Story |
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I thaught that it was an extremely excellent story.
But I would have liked it more if you were more descriptive and used paragraphs.
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Edenian__Prince
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Posted: Mon Sep 16, 2002 9:08 pm
Post subject: hehe |
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well thanks for advice and ill try and make it better fir the next part :mrgreen:
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