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totalmortalkombat.com Forum Index -> Non-MK Fan Art / Fan Fiction
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 Ninjas Were Mean to Me View previous topic :: View next topic  
 
 
 
 
What do you think of this?
It’s hilarious!
33%
 33%  [ 1 ]
It’s kind of funny, I guess.
66%
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I’m not of fan.
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It sucked more then a Thai hooker!
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It's too long, I'm not reading it.
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Team Bunny
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Post Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 7:19 am   
Post subject: Ninjas Were Mean to Me
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(I thought this seemed like the most fitting place to put this, but let me know if I was wrong. Thank you)



Ninjas Were Mean to Me
----------ACT1----------
Shin Destruction

In the dead of night the Ninjas raided my house in a drunken rage. They killed my pet pony and snuggled my frogs. When I woke up the next morning, one of the Ninjas jumped out to scare me. Then he kicked me in the shin, and called me a bad name. He made me cry, so I went down to Hot Topic to get me some Nirvana binder paper. With it I wrote the Ninjas a nasty letter. The letter read,
“You Ninjas are bad men, and you made me cry. Furthermore, you’re all jerks! With love, Snooky XOXO.” Little did I know that they’d be out for revenge. I don’t know why because it was just a letter, I mean how insecure could these Ninjas be, but that doesn't matter right now. Once I learned that they were trying to find me I went into hiding, but I was never very good at hide and seek. Plus they're ninjas, so they can find anything, you know what I mean? They can like find you before you can say “sweaty ball sack of the gods.” So when they found me, they licked my chickens and snuggled my frogs, again! It was obvious that these Ninjas were truly pure evil. Then one of the Ninjas kicked me in my other shin. This time a letter wouldn’t do at all. It was time to get pirate on their bouncy booties, oh and how bouncy they are. I went to the pier to find, and hire a few pirates to fight the Ninjas for me, because I'm a weak little school boy bitch who can't fight my own battles. I didn’t think it would be very difficult because the Pirates and the Ninjas have been in a war with each other for decades. But a problem that I would have is finding out were their ship would be docked. I went to all the sleazy saloons in town, places where Ninjas wouldn't go, places I could get some answers about the Pirates. It's just too bad that there's only one such place in town so it wasn't much of "saloons" as it was "Saloon". Anyway, once I got to the saloon I found another problem, the front door was guarded by a midget. I know that doesn't sound too bad but I have a horrible terrifying fear of midgets ever sense my child hood... I don't want to talk about it. Sense I couldn't deal with confronting a midget I decided to check for any and all back and/or side doors. After searching for any back and/or side doors for about fifteen minutes I finally found a back and/or side door on the side of the back of the saloon. There was still a guard though, but not to worry for you wouldn't even be able to tell if it were a guard unless your eyes have been trained like mine, because apparently they disguised the guard as a stripper in a Japanese school girl uniform who was taking a brake from the pole and people's laps to get a cigarette. But it's not that easy to fool me. So I crawled onto the roof and looked down upon my prey, the man disguised as a school girl stripper, and then I pounced from the roof top and fell behind the guard, placed one of my hands on the top of the guards head my other hand pressed against the jaw, and then I snapped the guards neck like a twig. After the guard fell to the floor I tried to pull this imposters mask off but the mask just wouldn't budge, so I said “The hell with it.” and went inside. I walked up and took an empty seat at the bar then ordered myself a pint of Grog Ale and scoped out the regulars of the saloon. Then I saw a girl who was wearing a Pirate vest, so naturally I figured she'd be the person to talk to. So I walked up to her and asked what she did for a living. She told me that she was the pirate leader’s trophy wench. At that moment I went out on a limb and assumed that she was connected to the Pirates in some way, so I decided to ask if she knew where the Pirates' ship was docked. She told me that they were pillaging a major ex-Ninja Do-Jo for anything of value, but to check pier sixty-nine next Tuesday at about noon. When I got to pier sixty-nine next Tuesday at about noon it was too late, the Ninjas formed a truce with the Pirates. I had to sneak away from the pier, but these were Ninjas the stealthiest of stealth people, and I was just never very good at hide and sneak, as previously stated. When I turned around there were about two hundred Ninjas staring down at me. I looked the other way and there were about two hundred Pirates. It was clear I had no chance of winning. So I quickly tried to hatch a plan, but the plan I came up with wasn't a good one. The plan consisted of this, crapping my self, curling up into the fetal position, and crying like a little girl with a skinned knee. I wasn't able to think of anything else at the time, but looking back I should of spun towards the Ninjas and done my patented Razerwind-Kick which would of took out a good twenty, maybe even thirty of them. After that I should have turned my attention to those Pirates and pick up some sort of fishing rod, a board, or a pike that a Ninja may have dropped and just start beating some ass with my flaming rod technique, that would take out like ninety of those bitches. Then my final move would of, could of, should of been the Ear Destructor method, what I would need to do to complete this is to sing any AFI song, because as we all know no living thing can listen to any of that band's songs without their brain turning to mush and their ears exploding then their brain mush would began to drip out of where their ears used to be, unless you're the one singing or are already a total fucking idiot. And just incase some of them would still be alive I would just pull out my semi-automatic machine gun and shoot them until they died from it. But to bad for me that's not what happened, now lets get back to reality. They came at me from all directions. They were stomping with their feet, hacking with their swords and, throwing bottles of rum and Shuriken at my shins. I passed out from loss of blood, and awoke in a hospital several hours later with no legs. Then a Ninja girl walked into my room she looked down at me and said that she was lying about being a Pirate’s trophy wench, then she chopped my head off with a plastic spork. It was a classic Ninja execution. So now I’m dead, and I can’t say I like it, but whatever.

Ninjas Were Mean to Me
---------ACT2---------
Snooky's Revenge

I was dead for three years, and I can't say I liked it, but not to worry; for the time of my vengeance came in its due time. For *Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* said that he'll resurrect me and let me take care of my ugly business with the ninjas. (Because those bad, bad men licked my frogs and that stuff just isn't cool.) So I’ll be on earth once more in one week. I used the week to plot my revenge. That way it would all go as smooth as a new pair of silk panties, which I hear ninjas wear all the time. (One week later) I'm now on earth in a new body, a robot body. It's powered by the "Windows Robomurder 2.0” operating system and it has a built in iPod so I can play some cool music to get in the killing mood. I started tracking the ninjas down by using a phone book in my local library. Luckily some of their lower ranking members were listed, which meant it was plot time, which is right after nap time, and after plot time it'll finally be lunch time. That's my favorite time of them all. But that doesn't really have anything to do with my... vengeance! So I got the address and was on my way in my Cadillac Escalade which I borrowed from *Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* When I arrived at the Ninja's apartment I busted through the door and began to interrogate him with out any mercy of any sort. With that in mind, here's what went down during the interrogation. I asked him,
"Hey my man, do you know where the ninja headquarters is?"
"Yeah it's down Seventeenth Street, and then take a right at Main toward the beach." he replied, quite politely. Then he said that he had one question for me, and since he answered my question so nicely I decided to answer his question.
So then he asked me in an rather uneasy manner, "Um, are you a robot dude?"
I then replied, "Why yes, yes I am."
"Why?" He asked confusedly.
"Well that way I can do this!" I answered as I punched him in the chest, ripped out his heart, and then ate it, all of it! On that note, I went to scope out the ninja base, to see how to make my move. When I arrived, I noticed that the building wasn't surrounded by any type of gate or magical barrier, which surprised me. There were only five panda minions making rounds for the large complex. After viewing the exterior of the place I began to use my INCREDIBLE EYES, and the x-ray vision feature built into them to look at the interior of the building. I saw about four dozen more panda minions all of whom were taking a launch brake to eat their tuna cupcakes and smoke their legendary bamboo cigars; Then I saw their brig which had a penguin, a bunny, a man in a teddy bear suit, and a cute little baby hamster being held captive. The last thing I saw was a room where they were training the pirates how to become expert killers. But since the pirates, unlike the ninjas, weren't trained from an early age, they would only be able to acquire the rank of samurai. The way the pirates repaid the ninjas was with their loyalty and with plenty frogs to snuggle with. Where they were getting the frogs I had no idea, but I did know that it became quite apparent that I needed to defeat these ninjas, and their new found pirate allies. After seeing what I was up against I decided to find a few allies of my own. So I opened up Google on my wrist screen with a built in Wi-Fi connection and did a search on "minions for hire." After getting distracted by porn for about a half hour, I came across a link that directed me to the site: "http://www.minion-warhouse.inc/employ-a-minion.html." Then I found the minions that I thought would best fit my current situation. I found a total of three minions to aid me in my vengeance. One was an Amish man by the name of Sir Demos, another was a leprechaun who went by the name of Sorcha, and the final minion was a pimp who declared himself as Dr. Shizzle-Puffs. I believed that together, as a team, we would be able to put up one hell of a fight against the Ninja gang. But I didn't expect the series of events that would take place when we met before we even made our assault on the Ninja complex.
It happened like this, I was waiting for all of them to show up at the Starbucks like we all agreed, and the first to arrive happened to be the leprechaun and the pimp. They were both in the same car, and when they opened their doors a flood of smoke flushed out of the vehicle and into the air. I decided not to ask any questions about it and just show them their seats. So the three of us just sat there drinking our Strawberries & Crème Frappuccinos. I was able to save a few bucks, because the leprechaun and the pimp insisted on sharing the same cup. So we all sat there, the pimp and the leprechaun drinking from different straws but from the same cup gazzing into one another’s eyes, while waiting for our fourth companion. After waiting a little bit more then a half hour, he finally showed up. As soon as the Amish man got out of his buggy, the pimp jumped out of his seat and limped straight to where the Amish man was standing.
Once the pimp reached the Amish man he said, "What da' hell took ya' so damm long you barn raisin' punk?!"
The Amish man replied with a sigh, "I'm sorry but it's my custom not to drive a car, so the trip took me some time more then you. And I'm afraid that if you keep that tone with me I'll simply have to react with physical violence."
"Oh yeah, well I'd like to see you try!" said the pimp.
At that moment the leprechaun wobbled toward the pimp and muttered to him, "Don't worry kitten I got your back." The Amish man then pulled a double-sided pitch fork from off his back, and summoned a kung fu cow, anime style. The pimp quickly reacted by pulling out his pimp cane and got his pimp hand ready for the pimp slapping that would occur. The way the leprechaun got prepared was by getting out his gold coin bazooka, which shoots out gold coins by the sack, but the coins aren't real gold they're merely chocolates. The battle that took place there that day was far more fantastic and memorizing then all the battles in the Lord of the Ring, and World War II combined. I can't even form words great enough to describe its glory, but I can summarize what happened.
First the pimp delivered a hard slap to the Amish mans face, and then the Amish man sliced the pimp’s stomach open with the double sided pitch fork. The leprechaun saw how his pimp buddy's guts and intestines were falling out, and how the pimp tried desperately to shove them back in. Then the pimp let out a final breath and dropped to his side eyes wide and starring blankly out into the abyss. The pimp was obviously dead for he completely emptied his bowels all over himself, splat! Once the leprechaun saw that he totally lost his mind, not concerning himself with anyone’s well being, including his own. He shot his coin bazooka randomly at the Amish man, destroying nearly all but his target. It became apparent to the leprechaun that this strategy would not work against this Amish man, so he switched strategies to his renowned Shikong-Gabosh crazy magic spell thing. He used this crazy magic and blew up the entire Starbucks, the Amish man, the Amish man's cow, the body of the pimp, a school bus full of mentally challenged 1st graders, everyone in the Starbucks, and himself. The only reason I didn't get blown into oblivion was because I was hiding behind the kids in the short bus, because I have no moral decency, and I know not of shame. Thanks to those brave retarded kids grave sacrifice I would be able to continue my quest against the Ninjas. It was just too bad about my minions dieing like that, because I wasn’t able to afford to pay anymore of them. Hell, I barely had enough to pay for my damn drink, which spilled thanks to that jerk of a leprechaun, damn Irish. So because of my lack of cash I would just have to do this alone, and by myself, which is redundant of me to say because if I'm alone then I'm obviously by myself. Um, sorry I kind of digressed from my story there.
So I decided to get a part time job, and thought to myself "What could I, a big robot designed to kill, do for work?" After hours of deep thinking I decided to work at McDonald's as a cashier. Then about a week after I first started my job I saw something that made me delirious with joy. The Ninja master walked in with no panda guards, pirate/samurais, or Ninja followers. It was my time for revenge so I jumped up and with my mighty foot of doom and destruction I kicked him in the shin, then as he lay on the floor holding his leg, and letting out sighs of pain I pointed and laughed. I said this to him right before my final action
"Yeah that's right, how do you like it you Ninja pansy?!" My final action, which I did immediately after saying that, was crushing his skull in by using my insanely large robot hands. And since I was sure it was the right guy I didn’t even bother lifting the face mask and checking the face beneath it, that is if there was still a face to check. So I bolted out of there and went back to my rightful home within the forest, with my elf buddy Greg, and I would make cookies for the rest of my days as a keebler elf… or keebler elf robot… robot keebler elf, yeah that’s it robot keebler elf, sweet.

Ninjas Were Mean to Me
---------ACT3---------
Redemption

So I’ve been making cookies for the past three months now, and I love it! It’s also been three months sense I killed that Ninja within the fabled McDonald’s off the 96 freeway, only now to find out that I actually killed a roided out six year old necropheliac kid. This would have been totally obvious if I remembered that it was Halloween three month ago. The way I found out was of course thanks to my good friends at MySpace, except for that bastard Tom, he never talks to me! I now have to make the decision… Well I stay here in the forest to make cookies with my newly found family (after all my eight year old son was just born two months ago after meeting my wife three days after I came back to the forest) Or well I go and claim my Rightful vengeance, and gain redemption in my eyes view. After a long, hard, wet talk with my family I decided that I don’t like them all that much and told them I was going to buy the Christmas presents, never to actually return. I found it odd that they believed me for it was the middle of July. Of course they may have believed me because my son took after me in the gullibility aspect and I taught my wife not to talk back trailer park style. So I was on my way to my old masters dojo… of course then it all came back to me that he’s been dead for a good 15 years when I arrived, so yeah that was kind of embarrassing. But I wasn’t going to let that get me down so I began to train alone and by myself because after being out of action for so long I’ve become slow, sloppy, and to be quite blunt horny. Plus I needed to pick up some supplies like Twinkies, a stuffed monkey doll, and my “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, which turned out not to fit any longer sense becoming a robot after coming back from the dead and my chainsaw hand kind of ripped it to shreds, oh and there were also a few weapons and crap like that I needed to pick up but none of that’s too important it’s just vital to completing my vengeance. So I began training in my Muay Thai Skills, so I’d be able to strike my enemies down with kicks, punches, knees, and elbows. Then I perfected my Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, that way I could take my opponents to the floor using the chokes and locks of the style to render my enemy unconscious or just brake his shit off. After that I started honing my Krav Maga, so I’d be prepared to remove weapons and protect myself from attacks from behind, plus there’s like a hundred different ways to attack someone’s crotch with that style. Once I completed my martial arts training I went to my old master’s room and found his old black and white porn magazine from the year of 1934 and made sure that I wouldn’t be too horny during my battles. It’s true I felt confident and ready for battle.
“But Snooky aren’t you forgetting to train in the art of Karate?” a mysteries disbodied voice said.
“Wait, wait, wait who the fudge just said that?” I yelled out in a state of confusion, and anger.
“It is I, *Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* I am communicating with you telepathically from the great beyond.” *Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* replied.
“Oh, it’s you. So what did you ask again my nigga’?” I asked.
“Karate, shouldn’t you practice it?” *Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* repeated.
“Hell no, you fuck nut! Damm man I rode the fucking short bus to school, plus I still jerk off with this hand!” I then held up my chainsaw hand.
“Whoa…” *Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* said in a quick burst.
“And I still know that Karate dose jack shit for you on the streets!” I said without a hint of untruthitude, especially the part about the chainsaw hand… sadly. I then stomped out and slammed the door out of sheer frustration.
And I then muttered “*Todd, Ruler of the Spirit World!* all knowing my robotic gerbil powered ass!” After that offensive conversation I tried to cheer myself up, so I went for I detour threw the meadow on my way to the Ninjas, that way I could skip and frolic. But then half way down the meadow I noticed a lone Radio Shack. And I thought to myself
“Oh yeah, I gotta get me on some of that.” So I strolled in and rushed directly to the Video Game section of the store, but then to my surprise I ninja pounced out of one of the PC game boxes and threw four CDs at me nearly scratching my paint, and my hydraulic penis. After his attack I sprung into the sky, he followed my movement, and we began to battle Dragon Ball Z style. In other words the battle, though cool, was unnecessary and had a weak plot that directed us to the fight in the first place. But forgoing the ill-thought and intangible plot line the fight was pretty good, lots of flying and flashy seizure inducing moments, any way the fight grew to its inevitable end and I, Snooky remained victorious. After the fight I got back on track to my quest to collect the remaining dragon balls so that I can summon the great dragon of… Oh wait, forget all that foolishness I of coarse mean to get my petty vengeance on the Ninjas for some DIFFORENT foolishness, not that first foolish thing… Any who, after cleaning the ninja blood off my metallic body I decided to search the ninja’s corps for anything useful, and nothing else *wink*, but all I found was a detailed map to the ninja’s hideout, as if that would help me, after all I have G.P.S. system built into my left pinky toe on my grandmother’s side twice removed… don’t ask. While exiting I noticed that all the staff members were dead, no doubtedly they committed hara-kiri due to their unworthiness to view such a fantastic battle… or maybe they got caught in the cross fire, I don’t fucking know, but no matter the cause of their deaths I now knew that the Ninjas were aware of my journey back to their base. Because of this I was no longer able to frolic through the meadow, or stop to check out cool lone Radio Shacks, no instead I would have to move quickly, quietly, and incognito. So the free way that was conveniently built while I was battling the Ninja proved to be the perfect mode of transportation, for some reason. I would drive a 1970 Cadillac Coop Deville which I stole out of the parking lot after leaving the remains of that lone Radio Shack.

(That's all I got done for the third, and last, Ninjas Were Mean to Me story. On a side note the first two were turned into school and one got a B+ and the other got an A- Please let me know what you think of these shitty little stories, thanks for taking the time to read all this)

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Last edited by Team Bunny on Tue Oct 10, 2006 6:23 am; edited 1 time in total


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Post Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 10:17 pm   
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Holy shit! A'ight...that was fucking hilarious...it didn't pick up until the second act but that is just freakin' awesome...I've been laughing my balls off for the past half hour...

...I'm trying to picture your teacher reading this and just thinking, "This kid's fucked"...you've got to write another act...I want to read that shit...

...right section as well...I hope more high stories are to come...

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